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AUSTIN PARA TIMES

Issue One

Training for Astronauts

John Elton Bills (Jeb) - The Spin Dr.

For those of you who are unaware, when people go into Outer Space, the absence of gravity causes their bodies to deteriorate at an alarming rate. Their bones and muscles begin to deteriorate, their immune system is suppressed and, for all practical purposes, they begin to die. The solution to this problem is well known. As depicted in 2001 Space Odyssey, create "artificial gravity" by spinning a large circular space station, thus simulating the 1 g of earth's gravity. However, this solution is not only expensive, but it does nothing to protect those people who must live in outer space while building large orbital spin structures. Nor does it resolve the problem of surviving long journeys in small space craft. I have another solution: Adapt your body to spinning at high velocity, as I have, and you will be able to adapt to the environment of outer space. I have invented equipment that allows anyone to learn this unusual skill and I can teach others to do the same without getting dizzy. Don't believe it? I have invented the equipment and discovered the methods for instructing others. It's easy to learn. I have been spinning, sometimes for many hours a day, for fifteen years. I can accelerate up to 180 rotations per minute. (I use my inventions... a motorized spin machine, a self-propelled spin machine, or spin shoes-patents pending) The benefits that this form of exercise has to offer are extraordinary. When the body spins at high velocity, it is exposed to high g-forces. These g-forces exercise all body parts, including internal organs, bones, etc. At 180 rpm, the body is exposed to 11 g's a foot away from the axis of rotation. You can tell that your body is receiving a real work out. I can see no reason why a person who is trained at spinning as I am will have difficulty surviving in outer space. Look into the not too distant future and imagine not only one moon, but many smaller ones constructed to accommodate a migration into orbit and then off to the moon, mars and distant planets. Why? Because humanity will finally come to its senses and decide to do something for FUN? Well... Yes. But also because I believe we will discover that, while spinning on earth is good for you, spinning in outer space is VERY good for you. Imagine a new generation of spinners, floating in large open spaces filled with green vegetation, water, fountains and ... but I am thinking too far ahead. We will begin by constructing large metal structures with picture windows that have an excellent view of the planet. I know the bliss of spinning here on earth (especially with a partner). I can but imagine the wonderful sensations that this will create in the natural environment for spinning - in Outer Space - where EVERYTHING spins. I know that most of you, not having received appropriate training, will compare spinning with fasting on onions, but not I. I shall be in heaven. And, because I am an engineer, I shall be welding together our first play pens and inventing new devices for spinning. Why not? I can weld. I can spin... To the best of my knowledge, I'm the only person that is adequately trained to live in outer space without wasting tax payers money to pay for the physical damage that it causes in others. I will come back stronger, just to make a point. What are the chances that NASA will realize that they need my inventions for spinning and they need me to teach them how to SPIN? Do you suppose that there is the remotest chance that they will do the logical thing and send me into outer space simply because I am the most accomplished spinner on the planet? I have accumulated ample evidence to suggest that learning to spin also has a positive effect on the development of one's neurological system. Spinning is currently being used in the field of Sensory Integration as a cure for learning disabilities. Do you have difficulty staying focused or are you suffering from dyslexia, depression, etc? Try spinning. In fact, anyone who spins as I do will receive positive mental and psychological benefits. Spinning has had a powerful effect on my performance as a musician. I wonder how my compositional abilities would be effected by spinning in outer space? Did I mention Heart Disease? My spin machine is equipped with a vertical cage and personal speed controls, thus making it possible for ANYONE to get up to high velocity without getting dizzy. To our great fortune, spinning at high velocity will, I believe, cure heart disease. Why? Spinning burns off fatty tissue. Centrifugal force exerts g force, i.e. exercises, all body parts. The effects of this amazing exercise can be seen in the small breast size of old ice skaters that keep on spinning. Breasts are all fatty tissue. Heart attacks are usually caused by a buildup of fatty tissue in veins and arteries, or they lose their elasticity. Spinning at high velocity, I believe, will cure both of these problems. Did I mention back injuries? Spinning at high velocity stretches all of your muscles away from their connection to the spine. I have injured my back many times, but I have never sustained injuries that I couldn't get rid of in a couple of days, using the spin machine. Heart attacks are the number one killer. Back injuries are the number one cause of lost work time. For more information, spin products, business opportunities or research, private demonstrations, amusement with "the party machine", or if you want to sign up for spin lessons, call me at 512-480-8004 or email Spin4Grins@yahoo.com Or, come on down to Cafˇ Mundi, at 1704 E 5th St., where I enjoy playing keyboards and spinning with fire along with the fire dancers, every Tuesday evening) You'll enjoy the performance and, for those of you who have the courage to try new things (you'll discover that even YOU can spin without getting dizzy) It feels like floating. It's dreamy and relaxing. It's a thing of the future.

Austin Para Times - Not Your Normal News

From The ParaNormal to the ParaPolitical

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