Here I sit, months later, in an attempt to pull this all together; three months of living hell hat have turned my world upside down. I'm three months behind on rent, my electric is about to get cut if I don't find $400 quick, my phone is in the same shape. I am flat broke, and have no forseeable "big chunk of cash" that's going to bail me out of this. It has taken this long to work through the strongest of my emotions over this whole thing, to pull my body back (literally) from the brink of death, and also to put all the psychic pieces together into some sort of "entirety" that I can finally hold separate and away from my self and look at.
My emotional condition is stabilizing, currently due to the fact that Schuyler's woman, Helen, is out of the country for a few weeks, thus removing the obvious (physical) catalyst of my discomfort. I must still deal with the fact that she will be moving in with Schuyler, next door to me, when she returns some time in November.
My physical condition is finally stable; I can eat food again, as long as I watch what I eat. My weight is steady at 155 Ibs., and I'm beginning to "work out" (albeit sometimes half-heartedly) to gain more of my strength back. I notice I have a relapse of diahrrea whenever the emotional upset over Schuyler returns, as well as when I eat something I shouldn't. Both are causative.
The connection with Schuyler exists on so many levels, and has (seemingly) existed all the way back to 1971, when he was born, and I was twelve. 1971 was a pivotal year for me, a year in which I became obsessed with rock and roll, a year in which I experienced social torment like I never had before. I began to pull into myself, listening to-the radio for solace, and I heard songs which seemed to echo or vibrate stronger than others. I recently made Schuyler a mix tape with most of those songs on it. It is as if I was, at twelve, sensing the reverberation back in time of their appropriateness as applied to this situation now with someone born in 1971.
Other synchronicities have been revealed that have placed us together at various points in our lives, some long before we actually knew each other. I am certain that he waited on me at least two years before we met, at the video store he used to work at. I remember we had an out-of-the-ordinary exchange over whether or not I had gotten the right tape, and I remember being struck by his politeness, and the quality of his energy.
Other examples date back as far as Schuyler's childhood (my teen years). His mom used to date a musician who played at the old Chelsea Street Pub in Highland Mall in Austin. I remember going there as a Senior in High School, our table winning several free pitchers of beer by applauding loudest. Schuyler has vague memories of being taken to the Pub around that time, and witnessing the "free-beer-for-applause" thing.
Perhaps we were there together one night.
There are several other incidents of time/place synchronicity:
I used to take walks in a park across from my job that he played in as a child. I recently had a sexual encounter with someone who answered one of my personal ads in the same group of apartments Schuyler lived in when he was six. It is possible that we have been in each others' presence many times in (at least) the last 16 years without knowing it. A complete list should not be necessary.
There is a strand of interweaving fibers of energy that has connected the two of us throughout time and space--in a weave that is exquisite in its overall design--connections that seem random yet important. It is as if we have been speaking to one another in our own mutual analog of the synchronistic energetic-fiber/fabric-language that transcends time and space, for our entire lives, way long before we ever "met", In fact, my first thought on really seeing him for the first time in conversation was "So...hello, at last."
During the last three months, I have read voraciously, mostly re-investigating
the area of hermetics. One of the best sources of information I found was
The Wordsworth Dictionary of the Occult, by Andre Nataf (1994, Wordsworth
Editions, $3.98 at Half-Price Books). (Buy this book! Look for a review by
yours truly on this site soon!) In his entry for "Alchemy", Nataf lays out
a theory linking alchemy with eroticism; when I read a short passage to Schuyler,
he said "Hmmm...sounds like you wrote it." I will reproduce a condensed section
of it here, to illustrate the point:
Back in Part One, when I went to the psychic fair and found out about the whole past-life struggle with Schuyler, I was forced to start looking at our interactions in the here-and-now with much greater scrutiny. We are both very obviously magickal men who have been engaged in a battle of Wills that has spanned several millenia, and here we are at the turn of another millenium, locked in a battle of Wills yet again; this time it's got to be resolved.
Only this time, instead of being mortal enemies, we are the best of friends, bordering on lovers, who (somehow) are still buying into perceiving each other as mortal enemies underneath the love. This past weekend provided such a beautiful example of this, I wish it had been caught on videotape. (Sheila has this great idea of taping our Tribes' interactions with each other a-la the old PBS "Loud Family" show--this was one time I would have welcomed the camera).
This past Saturday we had record-breaking rains here in central Texas, and in our little creek-side community, we gathered at Sheila's cabin to "hold the fort" and celebrate the wrath of the water goddess. The water got within ten feet of Sheila's front steps, a record level. The TV weatherman was outlining the path of the still-coming rain, and it looked as though it might miss us, if it would only head a little further east of us. At that point, Schuyler looked up at Sheila's windchime and began to blow on it in an easterly direction, with the obvious magickal intent of making the rain head east. I heard the chime clinking as I was standing across the room, and felt my power rising suddenly as it did, and so I decided to add my psychic wind to his, to help out.
Almost immediately, the chime's windcatcher turned to an absolutely dead-on bee-line with my position in the room, and the chime ceased to ring. Schuyler looked at me with (what seemed to me) a "knowing" frustration in his eye and said "Sure...you'll give me power, but only if I go in the direction you want me to go."
There was immediately (for me, anyway) one of those "eternal moments" when everything stops, My next awareness was of my own psychic voice, permeating the ether between us, saying loudly in a rather ancient-sounding tone "Yes, it really is all about your Will and my Will, isn't it, my friend?" The voice came from deep within my consciousness, and there was a sense of antiquity in it that hit me hard. My grizzled old Wizard was speaking to his grizzled old Wizard, acknowledging our stalemate--a stalemate that has been reached in an effort to stop a pattern that has been repeated throughout our mutual history.
In a flash, I remembered the litany of death that had been the legacy of our previous battles of Will throughout the ages--a legacy that I wound up on the losing end of most of the time.
We have been magickal sparring partners for our entire existence together, and have finally come to the end of the road with it. This time around, the hatred has been transmuted to love, but I have been enticed into yet another dance with death, in my alchemical quest to attain that love.
The bitter taste of our two Wills--so strongly allied, yet at odds--combines with the sweetness brought by the familiarity of spirit and the passion of a love that spans the entirety of time; all blending to burn hotly in an crucible barely able to contain the reaction. And I stand in the heart of the flames.
The question I must ask over and over is: why ARE our Wills so opposed? Why are we each so very strong in our respective positions that NEITHER can allow himself to be swayed the least bit? Why must it be my Will which must succumb completely to his? We've both had it pointed out to us that this is NOT all just me--it's obviously a two-way energetic street. Given these facts, doesn't it make sense that (at least) one of us might see fit to find a compromise in his position that we could both live with? Maybe both of us could get something we want.
Instead, Schuyler gets to have his cake and be happy eating it, too. I, of course, get to stand by and watch all this cake-eating going on while having to put on a happy face, so that nobody has to feel bad (i.e., sad, responsible or guilty) except me. Then I remember the pattern brought up by the psychic: Schuyler has always come out on top in these battles of Will in the past. That alone, you say, is enough to warrant a "look no further", and yet I feel I must look further to find peace here.
Maybe it is all just me, just wanting to win the battle for once. But I don't really think so, not when I think about things. I think about my feelings of purpose regarding having something to teach humanity about magickal sexuality. I think about Schuyler's beliefs, and I think about his behaviour.
I think about my utterly feminine fits of passion over a love that my gnosis tells me is not just felt only by me. I think about the sense of responsibility to explore and express sexuality that runs so deep in me. I think of the alchemists's furnace, burning with the red, bisexual fire of passion. I think about the stubborn mis-direction of Will so blatantly evident in both of us.
I sense a sort of un-easy standoff with Schuyler on a psychic level right now. He (and everyone else, I'm quite sure) is really ready for me to just give up and say "uncle" where all this is concerned: shut up, roll over, be a good little boy and Just Be Nice. On the levels of karmic causality and wizard warfare, however, that amounts to nothing more than total surrender/defeat: the complete subjugation of my Will to his.
Hold on a minute, folks: we are supposed to RESOLVE our conflict this time around; this certainly just seems to be a repeat of all the lifetimes before, doesn't it? It truly seems a case of "I Lose Again". Not much of a resolution, eh?
I find it hard to believe that the resolution of the problem is just an especially bittersweet repeat performance of the problem. Why must this be a "no-win" situation for me? Are there not degrees of sexual interaction? All I'm really asking for is a chance to do what I know I am capable of, part of what I'm here to do: to share this energetic knowledge that is mine to share. The desire to do this, coupled with the incredible feelings of love that run through me as a natural part of the process, combine with Schuyler's energy in a way that tells me one thing: the alchemical crucible formed by the blending of the two of us sexually might be a viable vehicle that flies to the ineffable place that holds the Philosopher's Stone, if that place still is, or ever was, reachable.
Is it, then, a fear that I actually have something to offer, a fear that what I'm saying really is possible, part of what keeps him from allowing me even the courtesy of an opportunity?
I must wonder why Schuyler feels that ANY nod in my direction sexually would be an "imposition of my Will on him', when, by his own admission, he is most certainly capable of such a nod.
Why must there be such a disparity between our Wills, to begin with? Given the facts, there should not be. The energetic interaction and trans-personal connections between us alone prove that to me. Whether or not Schuyler is as aware of the scope of it as I am--and I feel that his awareness of it is on the level of mine when we really connect--there is a responsibility on his part, as well as mine, to address it fully, without fear, and break this stalemate of Wills. His steadfast refusal of my offering generates the standoff, while my equally steadfast refusal to cease offering reinforces it.
Sheila asked me the other night: "You want to save him, don't you? Why do you want to save him so badly?" My answer came quickly: "I guess for the same reason I want to save you.
Because I love you both: my two Gemini's--you're more alike than either of you would care to admit. I want to save both of you from as much needless pain and heartache as possible.
I have a deep responsibility--it's an obligation based on the very nature of the love I feel. I don't have strong feelings like this without reason. I feel that 'something' is not right here, and right now, I'm really tired of feeling like everyone wants that 'something' to be me!"
Of course, I got back all the stuff about letting people be where they are, letting everyone make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons, blah, blah, blah. OK--I needed to hear that--that's great, but when something hits as strong as this, based on strong gut feelings, where do you draw the line between, say, letting someone step in front of an 18-wheeler (because they "need the experience"), and trying to stop them from obvious suffering, Yes, another of my dramatic over-simplifications, but applicable, I feel. There's something about this whole thing that has me shouting "Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!", and as long as our two Wills remain deadlocked, any attempt on my part to do anything about it will lead nowhere.
How might we begin to find a TRUE solution? Since this is a battle between our magickal (sexual) Wills, we must both be willing to negotiate those Wills before a true solution can be reached.
Schuyler's refusal to consider sexual negotiations at all precludes any true solution (one in which neither of our Wills is totally negated or thwarted at the expense of the other).
If the purpose of this final time around together is to resolve the battle, there will never truly be a resolution until Schuyler is willing to at least negotiate with me on a sexual/Will level.
Where is the line between love and friendship? Where is the line between love and brotherhood? Where is the line between love and responsibility? Where is the line between love and bewitchment? Where is the line between love and bullshit?
Why is there seemingly a line between love and love here?
And why do I give such a great big damn?
The initiate who attains knowledge has an obligation to pass that knowledge along to those deemed fit. The gods seem to have decreed that along with that knowledge, an intense feeling of love must be experienced. They are inseparable: those intense, palpable fields of love are the medium--the atmosphere, if you will--in which the passing of that knowledge (evidently) takes place. Is it fear of those intense feelings of love that helps keep everyone from becoming completely un-blocked sexual beings? We don't want to experience that intense an emotion, because we're all so used to being shut down. If we could at least begin to open up to the notion of feeling emotion that intensely, knowing it as a part of an evolutionary "vehicle", rather than as the religio-socio-monster "love" (carrying the emotional baggage of it as well as every other four letter word in the language), the combined power we could collectively make by focusing WILL and INTENT could actually shift reality.
Meanwhile, back here in this, the un-shifted reality, I am forced, as a wizard, into a stalemate. I must allow my over-riding love for Schuyler as a friend to quell my alchemical passions, hiding my frustration and fury with a forced smile for the sweet sake of friendship and fraternity, until such time as he feels he can begin negotiating with me on the level of the sexual/Will, to really resolve this.
Add to this, the challenge of "assimilating" Helen into my concept of Schuyler. As much as he denies it, his energy has already changed. I have seen friends disappear into the "it" formed by them and their women (Sheila and I did it to a point that was staggering, early on). I have also had male friends whose girlfriends hated me, because the emotional bond that I had with my friends was way stronger than the emotional bond between the two of them. Helen is also a witch. That must be taken into account when dealing with jealousy, especially in our living situation. One more powerful energy field is going to have an effect not only on Schuyler, but the entire energy balance of our place. This is going to be a delicate process, A process in which I must stand strongly in my own truth, while trying to strike a balance and a resolution.
Why my insistance that Schuyler must negotiate his sexual/Will with
me as a condition of a true solution? For that answer, we go back to the
psychic in Part One, who kept reminding me:
Alright, so we're not murdering each other on space stations anymore--we're battling on the alchemical fields of love. If that is the battlefield, that is where the negotiations must take place. Any solution, therefore, which ends up with me accepting being "victimized" into a complete defeat is not a solution. Neither is any solution a true one in which Schuyler takes the perception that my Will is being "imposed" on him.
The bottom line is my responsibility to myself. I must see to it that I don't become the victim here anymore. That is my personal responsibility in doing my part to see this pattern of domination/victimization broken. Thus, Schuyler's energy, as well as mine, will be freed of the restraints of this totally automatic response pattern, and we could interact with each other on a level that is (as a result of each of us giving just a little) much more powerful and productive.
There are so many levels this affects, and the realities of these levels do not necessarily coincide. My many inner psychic "parts" (personal gods?) seem to cope with it differently, each according to their stature and function. While my "Wizard" paces his cell, scowling, impatient and frustrated, my "Lover" lies wounded, aching with a need beyond words, while my "Good Friend" tries to make the best of a bad situation, The "Mentor" tries desperately not to sound too much like the "Jewish mother", who makes coffee for the "Scholar", who stays up all night doing research, while the jealous "Bitch Goddess" defiantly flashes her seductive eyes, and the lonely "Golden Child" cries for his companion--his lovely brother.
I seek a solution, but my one stipulation as a magician is that the solution really be the final resolution of this battle of Will. And in my book, that somehow doesn't add up to a repeat of "I Lose Again". A true solution could only be one in which each of us sacrifices his position, even if only a little.
Only then will we have really broken the twisted karmic pattern of "I win/you
die" that Schuyler and I have played out over the eons. We must, in order
to resolve this battle of Will, and evolve on outa here.
As for my personal responsibility to myself and my own truth, here's my final word (for now):
I cannot and (will not) sit around waiting for Schuyler to respond to my challenge to truly end this. I must continue my alchemical quest until that day comes. I have experimented in the last year with placing an ad in the Austin Chronicle, in the "Variations" section. I've had lots of responses, but any connections made seem to fizzle out. I attribute this to several factors, but one that keeps coming up is that the caliber of understanding these guys had was just not where mine was.
So here we go... If you have made it through the reams of electronic paper
in which I have expressed this sordid tale, and you've read through my other
rantings posted on this site, and you can totally grok where I'm comin' from
and where I'm trying to go, and you are also a Warrior-Wizard kinda dude,
read the last paragraph and respond, brother, respond!